Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
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