PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
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You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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