Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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