no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
