You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
