im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
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At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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