why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
