This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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