Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
