I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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