Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
as a side note pls kill me
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
