In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
