i just snorted my name. best moment ever
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
