I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
