You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
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One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
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I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
We're too hungover to prance.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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