he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
