Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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