i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
