While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
