When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
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