I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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