I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
