I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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