Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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