Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
