Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
