yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
