Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Randomize
