They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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