You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Your penis caused this!
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
