Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
