and you said cock pushups were impossible
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Randomize
