I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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