We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
