Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
