Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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