Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
