I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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