I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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