It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
