Already got asked if we're dating
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
there is glitter all over my balls
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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