I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
