he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
