he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
