i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
