Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
