I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
