Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
