I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I have so many feelings about this burrito
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
