I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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