you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Pants are for mortals
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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