Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
