Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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