I don't think brook has ever known best
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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