any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
