then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
