i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
