nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Every concussion has its silver lining
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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