I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
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